Apparently visiting clients is important. At least that is what some management consultant back at head office has told everyone.

 

This concept, that we should have meetings with our clients, was seen as so clever and such a good idea by the board that the CCC programme was put in place a few months ago. CCC stands for Compulsory Client Communication. The plan is basically that all managing directors are required to pay a visit to the head offices of their top five clients before the end of the year.

 

This sounds sensible enough, and probably not something that needed to be mandated. But as a reflection of how out of touch our management are, they have not only made it mandatory but also put in place an automated system to check that we are doing it.

Each day I get an e-mail informing me, and every other managing director, that I have not completed my client visits and that if I don't do so, I will not be paid a bonus. Oh, yes, in addition to a draconian method of imposing the CCC programme on us, there is an unbelievably disproportionate penalty for failure to comply.

My biggest problem with the CCC programme is that the clients that I have failed to visit are not at their head offices. They are right here in Hong Kong working on a deal with me. I have attempted to explain this to my own bosses back in head office to no avail.

Some people might say that if head office doesn't think I know how to manage my own clients then they should just fire me. Some others might say that rather than wasting time and money flying all over the place to comply with the CCC programme, that the managing directors should be focusing on doing deals. Some might even say the problem with outside consultants is that they are bound to come up with tedious ideas like this because their whole existence depends on the assumption that they know better how to run our business than we do.

But they are right about one thing, that the threat of not paying us a bonus will actually get us to do things, even ridiculous things. So I begin the process of explaining the plan to my client.

"When are you heading back to your head office Brian?" I ask my client over the phone. "I was planning on being back for a few days next week Alan, but I can stay on here if you think it will help to get this deal through" he says.

"Ah no, that's not why I was asking. You see, I need to visit you at your head office, so what day exactly will you be there?" I ask.

"Why do you need to visit me at head office? I saw you this morning. We can meet again. I can be at your place in 15 minutes" he says.

"No, it's a bit difficult to explain. I need to show my head office that I had a conversation with you at your head office. They will actually check my travel schedule to verify that I was there. And, I'm really embarrassed about this, I need you to sign something as evidence that I was there," I say.

Brian finds this quite funny. In between his mocking laughter he asks: "And what will we talk about? Will you ask me for my views on how it's going? Will I have to comment on the work of this Alan Alanson guy you've assigned to my deal?"

"Umm, yes, that's kinda what they have in mind" I say to the sound of more laughter. Brian continues to tease me right through the meeting when it finally takes place. To ensure that I am as embarrassed as possible, he invites as many people as he can come up with to the meeting. These 15 other people then spend 45 minutes asking me questions about the bank and our commitment to this client while Brian tries not to laugh.

Then he writes on the stupid form that I have to submit "need to discuss team members' attitude" without me noticing. When I discover his practical joke later I am left with the unfortunate choice of submitting the form as is or getting out some liquid paper and committing forgery.

My bonus is at stake so I can't risk getting caught doctoring their precious form. So I submit it with a note to say how effective the meeting was and that it enabled me to discuss some issues on transaction management that would not have otherwise come up. This is true, although the reason they wouldn't have come up is that my client wouldn't have had an avenue to embarrass me. In any case it is effective flattery for the numbskulls who designed the CCC programme.

I am gratified however, the next day to receive an e-mail stating that "Alan Alanson has completed 100 per cent of his CCC meetings". This is an e-mail that goes to all managing directors every day, so we all know where each other stands. Unfortunately today's message also contains a testimonial. It's from me, and it's on how useful the programme was. And all my colleagues have now seen it. My embarrassment is complete.