I was going to write about how to get through performance appraisals this week. But things are a bit different this year. Usually, the employee is given the opportunity to give a long speech about why his performance justifies a large payment, to which the employer is obliged to respond: "Well, I'm not sure how big the bonus pool will be this year."

 

Then the employer has to come up with areas where the employee could improve. And then there is often a long discussion about goals and performance targets and career development. The conversation generally ends with the employer thanking the employee for all his hard work throughout the year, during which the employee will be tempted to say: "Show me the money."

 

In the past, this process could take some time. This year the appraisal process goes something like this:

"Well, you've still got a job, haven't you?"

"Yes, thanks."

And that's pretty much it.

For an employee, the fact you are getting a performance appraisal means you're not going to be laid off in the next few weeks, and that's really about all you can hope for at the moment. As for your boss, well, he probably doesn't know whether the next time he speaks to you he'll be telling you that you're fired or that he's fired. So that doesn't really leave too much to talk about.

So instead of writing about how to get through your appraisals, I'm going to share a couple of layoff horror stories. This is intended to make all of you who still have a job feel better about the fact that you're not going to get a bonus this year.

So, to Andy. In May, Andy was on top of the world. After eight years at the bank, he had finally cracked the big time. In the previous year he closed one of the bank's biggest-ever deals and had just received his first really decent bonus. Plus the headhunters had started to call. His career was on the launching pad.

Feeling confident, Andy used his bonus to buy a flash apartment on The Peak. He still had to get a mortgage for the bulk of the price, but the bonus covered a big chunk and he could pay off the rest in the next couple of years, easy. The size of the loan didn't really matter, since he had just received a job offer from a much bigger investment bank, with a guaranteed bonus that was better than he made last year.

Andy took the plunge and resigned. He spent a month on gardening leave travelling in Europe with his wife and then started work. At the time he signed his contract he could not have anticipated how bad the markets were going to get. And that's why he didn't bother about the six-month probation period.

Of course you know how this story ends. Andy's new employer ran into enormous financial difficulty and before the end of his six-month probation period, Andy was let go with one month's notice and no severance cash. The guaranteed bonus depended on two things: one, his being employed; and two, the bank not being on the edge of bankruptcy, neither of which conditions was satisfied.

Had he stayed at his previous employer, his length of service would have ensured that he received reasonable compensation if he were let go, but since he had only been at the new bank a few months, he was not entitled to anything.

And of course his apartment on The Peak is all of a sudden worth a whole lot less than he paid for it and he doesn't have an income to meet the mortgage payments. His wife was not impressed when he sold her car. Now this is a tragic story. But bear in mind that Andy had money, and lost it. Plenty of people who are being laid off right now are starting from a much lower point than Andy. Which brings me to my other story, Mary.

Mary was Andy's secretary. When Andy joined the new bank, he brought Mary with him. They were happy to hire her too. And when Andy was let go, so was Mary.

Mary had been with the previous bank for 15 years and although she would almost certainly have been laid off once Andy had left, with 15 years of service she would have been entitled to 15 months of severance pay. This would certainly have come in handy to pay her mortgage and support her family until she could find another job. But as it was, she had just joined the new bank and was also let go during her probation, so she got a one-month payout.

If this all sounds rather nasty, well, that's because it is. The financial crisis is more than something interesting to watch on TV, and layoffs are more than just a handy way to reduce costs.

So here's my advice on performance appraisals: if you're lucky enough to be doing one, you should have a big smile on your face.