I don't make the rules. I wish I did. The rules basically allow clients to waste as much of your time as they like, without apology or embarrassment.

 

Every now and again someone dares to break the rules and tells a client that what they are asking for is stupid or pointless, something we all fantasise about doing. But these people tend not to get a chance to break the rules again.

 

The reason we put up with this is:

    •    There are more banks than deals.

    •    Banks are basically all the same, so it doesn't matter which one you have on your deal.

    •    Clients rarely choose banks on objective grounds.

    •    Getting your face in front of clients won't ensure you get chosen for their deals, but not getting your face in front of clients will ensure that you won't.

 

Now and again you come across a naive company that has not yet learned this and you get to make some real money, but most of the time you have to play the game. And the game today is assisting our client to explore one of their "key action items" - opportunities in mainland infrastructure.

 

In response to this request, my staff have worked all night to put together a presentation, and I am going to show this to the client. He will no doubt listen to me, be very thankful and send me away empty-handed. But one day perhaps they will need a bank and all this time and effort will pay off. Perhaps.

I have brought the associate who prepared the material along with me to the meeting. Dan sees this as a reward because while he is travelling with me he can escape the day-to-day grind of preparing financial models and PowerPoint presentations.

Our presentation is over lunch. Lunch meetings are a particular challenge. The first very obvious rule is to allow the client to order first. You don't want to order a T-bone steak and a glass of wine and then have the client just ask for a Caesar salad and a Perrier. It is also very important not to order something difficult to eat. And because you want to make sure you can dominate the conversation you want to order something you can eat quickly. Dan has yet to learn all of this and has ordered some sort of tomato pasta with crab - about as dangerous a combination as possible. The amount of concentration required to crack through the crab shell, and at the same time avoid getting pasta sauce on his shirt, effectively removes him from the conversation.

The client seems quite impressed with the presentation and says without sarcasm that a lot of work must have gone into preparing it. He demonstrates that he knows the rules very well by bringing a diary with him that has another bank's logo on it and by answering our question about next steps.

"Of course, at this stage we are going through our key action items, and we haven't made a decision as to which option will best leverage our core competencies," he says.

"One of the other options we are looking at," he goes on, "is commercial property in Western Europe."

This is the moment all bankers want to say: "Huh? Then why on Earth are we writing presentations on infrastructure in China?" Or something simpler like: "Yeah, right. Pull the other one."

But that's not what I say. I say that we have a great deal of experience in the European commercial property sector and I'd be happy to give him some ideas.

Sitting in the taxi on the way to the hotel, Dan asks me if I think they're serious about European commercial property, given that their core business is agriculture.

I say: "Oh, yes, it's been a long-term focus of this group for a while." And more importantly: "We better put something together. Can you talk to our UK guys and get this moving?"

Dan's immediately on the phone to an analyst, asking for research to be put together, and telling people that, "yes, it needs to be ready for tomorrow morning," and "yes, it's very important." He even adds, for emphasis, that it's "one of the client's key action items".

I should feel bad about Dan doing a whole lot of work that won't lead to anything, and about everyone else who is going to work overnight preparing the next presentation that the client will thank us for and then dismiss just as quickly as the last one. I do feel a little bit guilty, but if this client's going to waste anyone's time, it's going to be mine, not a competitor's. And anyway, what can I do? I don't make the rules.