I travel quite a bit for business and I think I've got it pretty much worked out. There are many things the business traveller needs to learn to improve his or her experience - simple things like don't spend all night watching movies in business class as it tends to make you a bit useless the next day. So, here are the first five of my top 10 travel tips. They are in the order in which you will probably need to remember them.

 

1. Do not check luggage. The best-case scenario is that you'll annoy all of your colleagues who, although they didn't check their own luggage, still have to wait for you. Worst case is your bag will end up in another country and you will be remembered as "that guy who turned up for the meeting in sweatpants". If you haven't learned to pack everything you need in a carry-on bag, you're too vain. One suit, one pair of shoes, one casual shirt, five business shirts, one set of gym gear - and maybe a teddy bear.

 

2. Be polite to air hostesses. I'm always amazed at the grumps in business class. You'd think people would be pleased to be in the big seats, but there is a much higher per capita cranky-passenger count in business class than in economy. Too many of these guys don't look at the hostess when they take the hot towel, order their drinks as if they are commanding a slave, and hold out their jacket to be hung up without so much as a thank you.

If behaving like this makes you happy, then you're a psychopath and you shouldn't be flying. Being friendly tends to make everyone involved feel happier: give it a go. When the hostess asks you if you would like a newspaper, don't just wave her away like you're a grumbly emperor, look her in the eyes, smile, and say no thanks.

Try this technique a few times and I guarantee you'll get better service. You might actually feel better for it, too.

3. Don't sit next to your colleagues. There are two of you going to an out-of-town meeting, you're on the same flight, you are reasonably good friends, so you may as well sit together, right? Wrong.

The advantage of air travel over all other forms of transportation is that while on an aircraft you can do whatever you want and no one can call you, e-mail you or otherwise interfere with your peace of mind.

4. Don't joke with security guards or immigration officials. In foreign countries, people interpret humour and sarcasm differently to you. And the people who you really don't want to misunderstand you are the guys in charge of the security check at the airport or the guys who decide whether or not you get into the country.

So when you arrive in Australia and the immigration guy asks you if you have ever been convicted of a criminal offence, don't say: "Oh, I didn't realise that was still a prerequisite for getting into this country." They don't think that's as funny as you do.

And if you are in the US and you are going through security, don't use the word "bomb", don't ask why you have to remove your shoes, and don't point out that searching for water bottles and shampoo is a waste of time. Actually, don't say anything at all. Getting flagged as a troublemaker by the United States Department of Homeland Security will really ruin your day.

5. Get a hotel car pickup. Do not ever leave hotel transport arrangements until after you arrive. Stump up the extra cash so that there'll be a guy standing there with your name on a sign. You give him your luggage, you follow him to an air-conditioned Mercedes, and you relax in the back watching the scenery go past. But if you don't go for this option you'll be confronted with enormous taxi queues, scary touts with missing teeth or, worst of all, public transport.

I once tried the do-it-yourself approach in Delhi and, after waiting 45 minutes, when I finally got in a taxi the driver decided to stop on the way to pick up some friend of his. He then flew down the highway precariously missing cars, trucks, bicycles and of course cows, by driving on the shoulder, on the other side of the road and on the road divider, all the time chatting away to his buddy and smoking toxic cigarettes. I feel the experience affected my performance the following day.

Next week, how to deal with cash, hotels and girly bars among other things. And anything you think I missed, write and tell me. If it's clever or amusing enough I'll put it in a future column.