I chose Air X for my next flight because I am fruitlessly collecting frequent-flier miles, even though they will be impossible to use unless I can book my next holiday about two years in advance. I am very good at collecting miles, and Air X has rewarded me for doing so well by giving me "Ultimate" status. With Ultimate status I am entitled to good service. For example, I am entitled to a free ride to the gate on the golf cart.

 

You have no doubt seen these things: golf carts zipping past you at the airport loaded up with important-looking people in suits being delivered to the first-class lounge or to a gate far away. Very few people you are likely to see on the carts are disabled, so I bet you assumed that these people are visiting dignitaries or billionaires whose time is far too important for them to walk to the departure gate. Well, they are not. They are people like me: middle management, bankers and lawyers who have loads of air miles.

 

I once worked with the second-most-successful collector of Qantas air miles. His name was Billy, he never wore a watch, and he never seemed to sleep except at entirely inappropriate moments, such as during my performance appraisals. He couldn't help it. He was like an alcoholic who can no longer handle life when he's sober. Billy had to be either on the road or jet-lagged, or he felt that he wasn't making an effort.

He once returned to work after an extended around-the-world business trip and couldn't remember where his office was. This was not entirely his fault. The offices on our floor had been rearranged while he had been gone and, although this should have been obvious to him, he was quite jet-lagged at the time.

He didn't last that long at the bank. Turns out that the only thing he really was good at was collecting air miles.

Another benefit of having loads of air miles is that on flights to Europe or the US, I quite often get upgraded to first class. Even though I have been going on business trips for years, I still get excited about getting upgraded to first.

I continue foolishly to think that I'm going to walk into the cabin and introduce myself to Brad Pitt or Elton John. But, of course, all the other passengers look like bankers who have also been upgraded.

The actual elite have their own planes.

But first class is still an interesting experience. It begins just after takeoff when the flight attendant comes over and asks: "Would you like champagne with your caviar, sir?"

I like to say: "Oh, yes. I always have champagne with my caviar," though no one ever seems to see the humour in it. The only time in my life I have ever eaten caviar is on a plane. Who on earth eats it any other time, I can't imagine. But in first class it's part of the service, and it is very important when travelling first to savour every part of the service. You know you're never going to fork out your own money for this, and you can't guarantee that the upgrades will keep coming.

After the caviar there is a six-course meal - soup, salad, appetiser, main course, dessert, cheese. And it's all equally over the top. It is quite common for lobster to be one of the choices, and they actually explain to you what the food is, not just "The chicken or the fish?"

While trying as many of the fantastic wines as possible, the entertainment seems that much more interesting on the wide-screen television.

Of course if you want to sleep, the seats and pillows and duvets make it very comfortable, not to mention the "sleep suits" that are handed out to all first-class passengers.

Of course, what my employers and everyone else fail to realise is that first class is counterproductive. Were I to have slept through the business-class flight to London, I would be fine.

But being obliged to make every effort to enjoy the upgrade experience in first, I will arrive feeling exhausted. I will probably have trouble concentrating on what is going on and will tend to be the one falling asleep in the meetings. I will definitely not last long enough to attend the dinner with clients that evening.

Actually, I will probably get very little out of the trip at all, but at least I enjoyed that caviar.